Meeting your man’s mother

By Margot Carmichael Lester

Few things strike fear in the heart of a woman like meeting her man’s mama. After all, this is the original woman in his life and the only one you can be pretty darn sure he’ll never get over. That creates a high-stakes situation. But it doesn’t have to lead to disaster.

“When Danny said his mother was coming for a visit, I completely panicked,” recalls Tonya Martin of Kansas City, MO. “What if she didn’t like me or my wardrobe? What if I said something to offend her? Poor Danny didn’t know what to make of it.”

“The dynamics between a girlfriend and a mom are more intense because if/when this guy marries this girl, she’ll replace the mom as the primary woman in his life,” explains relationship coach and licensed psychotherapist Toni Coleman. “Mom can be very competitive, judgmental, critical, etc.”

Here are some tips for making the meeting go more smoothly:

Set limits. “Make the meeting location somewhere neutral, like a restaurant or a café,” suggests Lisa Altalida, author of Dating Boot Camp: Conquering the Dating Obstacle Course. “Set a time limit with your man to meet for no more than one and a half hours so you are both on the same page about when it is time to go.”
Prime the pump. Curry favor by offering up a gift of some sort. “My mom is a sucker for a nice flower arrangement, so I made sure my girlfriend brought some flowers along for the first meeting,” says Tom DeSantis of Roanoke, VA. “It made a nice first impression and gave them something to talk about for a while as they warmed up to each other.”
Engage her. “Ask her about herself. That helps Mom to feel special,” Coleman says. “This way, the girlfriend will not come across as a threat. Mom will have a harder time criticizing and critiquing the girlfriend’s behavior if she was warm and unselfish and kept a low profile in this first meeting.”
Mind your emotions. “Even if Mom is still not moved and maybe even rude, do not feed into her game,” Altalida says. “Stay in control of your feelings and just be polite and focus on getting through it.”
Be affectionate, not intimate. Show her you love her son, but not too much. “Things like passionate kissing, sexual touching and saying sexually suggestive things should be completely avoided in Mom’s presence,” Coleman advises. “Instead, a gentle touch on the arm, hand or back is fine. Calling him honey or using any sweet pet names is also just fine. Using names that suggest anything sexual should be avoided.”
Gather some intelligence. Before you go, talk candidly with your boyfriend about hot-button issues or behaviors you should avoid. “I always lend a hand in the kitchen, but my boyfriend’s mom is insecure about her cooking and hates having anyone in the kitchen with her at all. I was glad he told me that before I waltzed in trying to help.”

In the end, it’s most important to keep it all in perspective, Altalida notes. What most mothers want from their son’s girlfriend is simply to know and to trust that their son will be treated well and be well cared for — and that their son is happy.

“Yes, she gave birth to the man you adore, but just try to relate to her, woman to woman,” she says. “You want to establish your position with her not as a competitor but as someone who is now part of his inner circle, too. She will always be the queen mother. However, you can convey that you are just as happy being the princess.”

Margot Carmichael Lester is a freelance writer based in North Carolina.