WHAT YOU DON'T WANT IN A MATE!

By Stephen F. Milioti The term “sinking stomach” doesn’t even begin to describe the moment when you realize that the person you’re on a date with — who seemed perfect in both their online profile and subsequent phone calls — is nothing but a cold-hearted player. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, you want to catch those clues sooner rather than later, before you fall too hard for someone who’s only interested in passing dalliances. To help you do just that, here are some tips from Angelo Pezzote, a New York-based psychotherapist and author of syndicated advice column “Ask Angelo”.

1. Being too vague is a bad thing. Of course, someone shouldn’t be expected to spill the beans about his or her whole life, especially on the first date. But if you sense too much vagueness and hesitation in conversation, your date could be a cover-up artist. “Watch out for the elusive person,” says Pezzote. “Yes, mystery can be attractive, but too much mystery usually spells trouble. If your love interest, after a few dates, still doesn’t want to open up about past relationships or can’t be pinned down regarding hopes for future relationships, consider it a warning sign.”

2. Beware of radical departures from the online profile. It’s only human for someone to embellish on his or her best qualities a bit in an online dating profile. But in person, watch out for major inconsistencies. “Is the person’s profile radically different than real-life presentation? Or last week did this person say one thing about, say, summer plans, and this week it’s a completely different story?” says Pezzote. “This is rarely a good sign, and can mean your date is deceitful or hiding something.” In other words, this kind of person probably has a reason for cultivating those different personas and stories—he or she may be juggling more on the personal-life front than you’re aware of.

3. Your date is prone to last-minute cancellations. It’s OK if someone bails on plans a few days in advance or calls 10 minutes later than he said he would, but anything more than that is suspect. “Canceling dates at the last minute, no-shows, tardiness, promised calls at seven o’clock that never come... When this happens, run the other way,” says Pezzote. “You deserve nothing less than respect and courtesy. It takes less than a minute to make a call and say, ‘I can’t make it.’ If your date doesn’t do this, you need to get the message: It’s all about that person, not you. You’re not a priority, though you may be one of several smaller ‘priorities’ in his or her life.”

4. Your date’s available only on certain days. Work and other essential obligations aside, if someone’s always unavailable one specific evening or time of the week — most notably, Friday or Saturday night — that’s an eyebrow-raiser. “If your date’s only available on certain days to be with you, he or she’s probably not that interested in you alone,” says Pezzote. “No matter how busy we are, when we want to be with someone, we make the time and the sacrifices to be with that person.”

5. Be cautious of the date who never invites you to his or her place. Obviously on the first few dates, it’s usually not protocol to spend time at someone’s house—but if you’re past the first couple of dates and your sweetie hasn’t invited you over, Pezzote says, “then you need to be concerned.” Perhaps there’s evidence of other relationships there... or perhaps your date is actually living with someone. That kind of situation isn’t so unusual in the world of the player.

6. Take note if your date recognizes and says hi to everyone in the immediate vicinity. We’re not just talking about seeing the boss or a friend. We’re talking about the type of person who recognizes everyone, then hugs these ‘acquaintances’ a little too long... leading you to wonder if he or she has dated everyone in the neighborhood. “When everyone’s saying ‘Hey, honey,’ including you,” says Pezzote, “then maybe there’s too many names in this person’s little black book to remember.”

7. Keep your eyes on your sweetie’s cell phone. That tiny cell phone can be hugely revealing, says Pezzote: “The cell phone rings during lunch. You ask, ‘Who was that?’ Your date says, ‘Oh, it’s no one.’ Trouble.” Cell-phone issues can pop up not only when you’re in person with your date, but when you’re calling later on the cellie: “If your sweetie always calls you, then when you call back, he or she always says ‘Can’t talk now, have to get back to you’... that’s risky business.”

8. And finally, trust your intuition. This is a harder one to gauge, but it’s important. While it takes time to really get to know someone, there’s something to be said for that initial “click” and feeling of honest connection—if it’s not there, that might mean something. “In relationships, as in most other things, it’s important to remember that you do know what you like,” says Michael Longacre, an art director in New York. Sometimes you don’t click even if the person apart from you is matinee-idol attractive... and that might be your intuition kicking in, sensing some player vibes. And while you shouldn’t let such not-quite-right vibes lead you to sabotage yourself, you shouldn’t be hesitant to trust them, either. Self-protection can be a very valuable asset.

Stephen F. Milioti is a freelance writer and editor who contributes to New York and Salon. He’s dated more than one player and advocates the use of a lie-detector test on the first date.

He seemed like prince charming

He seemed like prince charming at first, but turns out that although he was certainly charming, he was no prince. Well, he was a prince; in fact, he's quite princely to quite a number of girls. What are the warning signs that prince charming is a master player? Read on.

He seems to not want you to ever drop by and to not want to ever give you his home number. These are the two hugest warning signs. Think about it. If you can't call his apartment/house, then it's probably because he doesn't want someone who's often there to hear your call. Same with not wanting you to drop by. Chances are, it's because someone else is usually there.

He seems to have wandering eyes

He seems to have wandering eyes or wandering attentions. Now, every guy can't help but see, but not every guy stares! Watch where his eyes go. If they continually go towards the way of the next table's buxom maiden or always seem to be checking out the rest of the room, then start to wonder.

He seems to get a lot of phone calls that he doesn't answer. The smoothest of Player Casanovas will probably keep their phone's ringer muted. Pay attention to how long he takes when he goes to the bathroom (in case of phone calls made from there) when you're out at a restaurant, bar or a club. Pay attention also to your ability to get in touch with him on the spur of the moment. Just because he doesn't answer his phone all of the time when you call, doesn't mean he's a player. If he never seems to answer his phone but often calls back in a few minutes, then raise your suspicions. Also, if he usually claims to be on a long-distance call, talking seriously with a friend, etc. and isn't able to talk, then start to wonder, or at least start to remember his excuses to see if he recycles them.

He seems to keep your dates scheduled to certain nights. Everyone gets and needs time apart and time with friends. However, if it seems like he has your dates on a regimented schedule (Tuesday and Thursday nights, and either Friday or Saturday but never both), and is unflexible and downright rude or obnoxious about giving you extra time or spending time with you on the spur of the moment, sound the warning bells.

He seems to tell you things just too good to be true

He seems to tell you things just too good to be true. Overly smooth, sweet-talking men can attract nearly any woman's attention and many women's favor. However, the standard rule applies: ?If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.? Compliments are one thing, outrageous and early praise and worship are signs of a whole different game.

He seems not to want to commit but often talks about the future. If it's been several months of talk of taking the relationship to the next level, but nothing seems to actualize, then there's a good chance it's because there's other interests still in his life. Watch when he talks about the future. Is it when you're making love or passionately involved? Try asking him if he meant what he said last night, during the next morning or during a relatively unromantic moment.

They sit there and ask questions about you and don't seem to have any input about themselves or are reluctant to talk about themselves

You catch them in a lie. If they've lied about one thing then they've lied about others. Be careful!!!!!! BE VERY, VERY CAREFUL!!

THE "playa's" club operates much like a franchise and its male members (yes, Sisters, there are some female playas out there, too) come in all forms, from all walks of life, and from all over the globe.

To begin with, there's the Married Playa (who likes to frequent the singles-only clubs), the Holy Roller Playa (who is prone to picking up his unsuspecting victims in the pews), the Eligible Bachelor (who is quite adept at luring marriage-minded women with the fantasy of settling down, although he never does), the Gigolo (who offers love in exchange for your loot), and perhaps the most dangerous playa of all, the down-and-dirty Womanizer, whose main goal is to win a woman's trust and then break her heart.

For the record, not all Brothers are playas--many Black men do not participate in such ludicrousness, and those who do at one point or another grow up and grow out of practicing the relationship-repellent behavior that is the calling card of a mack daddy.

But the others, the defiant males who refuse to turn in that so-called playa's card, knows no boundaries when it comes to getting what they want from a woman and will stoop to any level to make a conquest. According to relationship experts and current and reformed playas, the best way of protecting yourself from falling prey to the playa's games is to watch out for the following red flags when you're dating and mating.

Are you playing a game of catch-him-if-you-can with your mate? On the surface, it appears that this playa wants to be caught by you because he's given you all of his pertinent info: His personal e-mail address, his cell phone number, his pager number, and the phone numbers to Big Mama's house, Ray-Ray's crib and even the local barbershop. But do you have his home phone number? If not, this is a major red flag, and according to one self-proclaimed playa, the implications of not having a home phone number are ominous.

In New Orleans, Raymond *, a 35-year-old nightclub disc jockey, says that although he is in a "serious" relationship, he's been successful at keeping his club flings away from his main woman at home simply by not giving out his home phone number.

"These girls don't even ask for my home phone number," Raymond insists. "They think that having my cell phone number is major, but I have three cell phones; one for my woman, one for club business and one for the [club flings]."

When you meet a man, ask him for his home phone number. If he refuses, watch your back warns Chicago-area psychologist George E. Smith.

"Withholding the home phone number is a major red flag because he's being deceitful," Dr. Smith explains. "Why do you need to call him at his mother's house, especially if he doesn't live there? And many mothers will cover for their cheating sons, especially if they don't like the current woman he's with. I've seen this game so much that it's shameful."

In Minneapolis, Trudy * was very happy with her beau Mack *, but during the course of their year-long relationship, Trudy had become used to seeing Mack, a truck driver, only when his work schedule allowed her to do so.

Trudy wasn't able to locate Mack for days at a time, and when she did hear from him, it was at odd hours of the night. To make matters worse, Mack's work alibi didn't hold up because he was a local truck driver for a beverage company, and his job never required him to leave town.

"One day Mack and I were strolling hand-in-hand at the mall when his shocked teenaged son (who was ditching school) confronted us. I didn't know Mack had kids. I didn't know Mack had a wife. I immediately realized that he was sharing most of his time with his family."

If your man is notoriously unavailable when you want to see him, it may be because he's unavailable, and/or he's juggling his time between you and another woman, says Atlanta-area psychologist Tiy-E Muhammad, author of Secrets Men Keep, What They Don't Tell.

[TIP] "Seeing him on his terms is the male's way of letting you know that you are on his timetable," explains Dr. Muhammad. "And he gives each woman in the rotation her [block of] quality time to make her appreciate her role in his life. He allows you to feel as if it's a privilege to be with him or even to talk to him."

In a slowing economy, you can expect the gigolos to come out in droves. In some cases, they are working two or three women at a time in order to keep their affluent lifestyle intact. The master gigolos don't come right out and ask you for your loot; instead, they spend a little money on you in the beginning and then hit you for a lump sum later, according to experts. And of course, you will never see your loot again.

"I knew he had a girlfriend," Lisa says. "But being his secret lover was exciting. One day he scooped me up in her Mercedes and told me that she had just given him $100 to pay their light bill, but that he was spending the money on us instead. I was so turned on by that. I thought his girlfriend was such a fool. They later broke up, I became his main woman, and then my car and my money went AWOL. I knew what he was doing and I knew that I had become the new fool in the situation."

[TIP] "If you've got a person who will pimp a woman for you, it's just a matter of time before you become Se next victim," says Dr. Smith.

For the sake of fairness, some men are hermits at heart. They dread family reunions, class reunions, weddings, double dates, clubbing, and virtually any form of social interaction with other human beings.

Yet, if you've been dating Mr. Right exclusively and you haven't met any of his friends or family members, experts warn that the odds are good that your sacred relationship is actually a secret one.

"Thomas," a 23-year-old physical therapist from Jackson, Tennessee, says that he shares an apartment with his main woman on one side of town and his new girlfriend lives on another. "I take my new girl to low-profile eateries or clubs on her side of town, and she's fine with it," Thomas says. "She's asked me to take her to places that I frequent, but I never do. I just tell her that I'm trying to get away from my old crowd and she doesn't push the issue too much.

[TIP] "Men who are up to no good will attempt to take you out of their social circle," explains Michael *, a Brooklyn-area anesthesiologist. "My females will never go where I hang out because it's a good chance that they will find out what I'm all about. So I isolate them from my friends."

The playboy's universal calling card is his ability to end the honeymoon quickly.

Can you recall just how sweet it was at the beginning--the unexpected flowers and phone calls; the Godiva chocolates and romantic weekend getaways? Remember how Mr. Too-Good-To-Be-True kept you beaming like a schoolgirl in puppy love?

But now the playboy has turned the beaming schoolgirl into the stepchild who's desperately in need of some tender loving care.

In hindsight, you recognize that somewhere along the line, you've placed your expectations too high, and you've let your guard down too low when dealing with that playa disguised as a good man.

But if the law of karma is any consolation, know that it's only a matter of time before the playa's games come back to haunt him.

In the meantime, Brittain Wilder, author of Understanding the Games Men Play, urges you to guard your heart the best way you can, that is, to be cautious when pursuing new relationships, and to practice a calculated vulnerability (read: Open up emotionally with a man only after doing your homework) in your new liaisons.

[TIP] "Liars are good at their trade," Wilder suggests. "They have had years of experience and many victims to practice their craft on. But there is something every woman can do to protect herself against a liar: Listen to what he says, but believe what you see."

Bibliography

If you've been dating, especially on the internet, this is an important guide for you. Some players are so good, you need some tips. So here they are:

1. He or she falls very fast and very hard for you. This at first is flattering. But think about it - is it normal? In a normal relationship, a man or woman moves at a gradual pace to "get to know" the other person. They will call up for a date, if the date goes well, they will ask for a second date. They will probably call you prior to the second date (they should, anyway, to make arrangements). But if they start calling or text messaging you every day after that first date, it's not normal. Don't be flattered, be wary.

2. He or she asks too many questions about "what you want in a man/woman." Someone might ask you this casually, to find out what you're looking for, that's fine. But when it becomes the Spanish Inquisition on the first date - look out. He or she is not interested in finding out what you want - he or she is finding out what they have to pretend to be to "get" you.

3. He or she has had too many "stalkers" or people who were "obsessed" with him or her in their past dating relationships. Gosh, they sure hope you aren't like that. I have been dating on and off since I was 16. I am a half-way decent looking woman. I have never had anyone "stalk" me. Why? Because I was honest when the relationship ended and told the other person so. Sure, there are nuts out there who don't take "no" for an answer and persist, but stalkers? Not too many. Stalking is a crime and not as prevalent as the player would like to believe. Sure, he or she could have met someone who was a little "off." But to have too many people "obsessed with them" or "stalking" them is a sign that he or she played them and the victim just wanted to find out what was going on. Chances are, he or she, dropped the "stalker" like a hot potato, after he or she got done playing the game with them.

4. He or she becomes too jealous or possessive too soon in the relationship. And
in a normal relationship, anytime someone becomes jealous or possessive is too soon. The whole concept of having a relationship is trust. If this person doesn't trust you, it means you can't trust them. The player imagines that because he or she isn't honest, the object of his game isn't honest, either.

5. He or she runs hot and cold. One minute, they are ready to commit to you for life. The next, they are telling you to see other people. They are giving you a huge signal here but you have to be able to pick up on it. They want you to be there for them, but they want their freedom, too. That way, when they are tired of playing with you, they can always fall back on the fact that they told you that "you could have seen other people." They will forget the times they committed to you. Or say they were only joking.

6. They have too many friends of the opposite sex. The player likes attention, very much. But he or she can only feel gratified if they can get it from the gender to which they are attracted. These "friends" are usually people with whom the player has played but who haven't had the brains to get rid of him or her. There's nothing wrong with having friends of both sexes, but when a man or a woman has only friends of the opposite sex, it's strange.

7. They are cold or uncaring about a past relationship that they ended. Most people with a conscience feel bad about hurting someone's feelings. The player will profess that they "hate" hurting other people's feelings, but their actions will be completely the reverse.

8. They start talking sex too soon. This applies to a player who is a man. If the player is a woman, she will start talking about money too soon. She might even hit you up for a loan. Word of advice to both men and women here: Women: Don't have sex with someone unless you are 100 percent sure that they love you and have professed it and aren't seeing anyone else. This isn't the way to go about "hooking" a man. It will only make you feel used. Men: Don't loan money to anyone you've just met, especially over the internet. I think men are preyed on even more than women on the internet. Please don't believe someone who has fallen in love with you instantly who lives in Russia but needs money to get out. You'll never see the woman, or your money again.

9. Usually a player becomes a player because of gross insecurity. What do they do for a living? Are they happy with their life? Have they gotten over their past marriage or long-term relationship? Have they even had a marriage or long-term relationship? If someone is over the age of 40 and has never had a long term relationship, that's a big red flag. They don't want one. If a man or woman is divorced for 20 years and hasn't has a relationship since, another red flag. They are content with the single life. They might try to convince you that you are "the one" to get the out of it, but in reality, they are perfectly content with the status quo.

10. This is the biggie - you catch them in lie after lie after lie. A good player might have the brains to write everything down. But a bad one will just forget that he or she told you the night before they had to go visit a sick friend and when you ask about the friend they tell you that he or she is on a cruise. A player is not an honest person. In fact, lying is almost second nature to them. If you catch someone in a cache of lies, don't ignore it; confront it. Chances are, the player will see that you are on to him or her and move on to the next prey.

There are internet sites that post photos of men and women who are players. You have to take some of these sites with a grain of salt; you never know if a woman was played or just scorned. There is a difference. A man might simply not be interested in a woman anymore, for whatever reason, and he breaks it off. She's angry (hell hath no fury) and decides to post his photo on "dontdatehimgirl.com." This doesn't always mean the guy is, what used to be called, a heel.

Realize that a date is not a commitment to marriage; it's just a date. Unless you are exclusive with the other person, you have no right to question their whereabouts. A man or woman isn't a "player" unless they attempt to play with your emotions; unless they try to get you to fall in love with them while having no regard for you. People usually do this to boost a poor self-image. That's why, when you're dating, you can avoid a player simply by having enough respect for yourself and a positive self image. And realizing that there are worse things in life than sitting home alone on a Saturday night.

He talks about his wonderful mom, a lot.
Guys have heard that the way they treat their moms is the way they will treat their future wife and girls will watch for that. And while this does carry a lot of truth to it, talking about their mom is not the same. Since their mom is usually not around when you are interacting, they try to put her there by proxy in conversation. While a comment or two is good, more than that I have found is usually a sign of a genuine player.

You call him “player” and he gets upset.
This is like the litmus test for players. Easy to apply, just throw in a sarcastic joke about him being a player and if he turns red, it may be true. If he stays his original color, he may be good at covering up or just good. If he turns blue call an ambulance he’s probably needing medical attention.

He plays guitar, and flaunts it.
In a made-up survey of my own, over half of players play a guitar. Common songs and bands include “More Than Words” Third Eye Blind, Dashboard Confessional and for the super players, Jack Johnson. If he can play Dave Matthews, well just sit back and enjoy because he’s probably cool…um that was also in my made-up survey.

He looks at himself in the mirror more than the average guy.
Test this by having a conversation near a mirror aimed at his face. Leave the room for a brief period of time and observe at a distance.

He’s always trying to point out his physique.
This goes beyond the “Where’s the beach?” arm flexing routine. This may involve him pointing out a sore muscle from all of his gym activity, doing a dance that incorporates the ab wave, and showing you strange stunts like handstand pushups.

He spends more time on his hair than you.
Rough up his hair and see if he spends the rest of the night trying to undo the damage. If he has a flat iron, proceed with caution.

Carbon copied flattery.
He pays you a series of unique comments, you find have also been used on a series of other girls.
Note: Pay special attention to British blokes. Common phrases to them are rare jewels in the US and don’t carry the same intensity in their eyes. Calling you “love” saying “it’s a pleasure” and asking “you alright?” translate into: “girl” “nice chatting/see ya later” “how are ya?” This may be said without bad intent usually, but some do play up the ‘Hugh Grant’ factor. Don’t worry, a British guide is in the works with more details.

He gives out his phone number during his testimony, twice.
No kidding, this happened in one of my wards. Sweet guy, but a true player.

Spiritually showy.
Reads scriptures in very public places where he can be spotted easily magnifying his priesthood for the ladies.

I’m selling you on my future family.
Talks sentimentally about his future wife and kids the way a salesman would. Usually borrowing phrases you may have said already, to show how much you want the same thing, and how mating could be good for you.

I’m broken and only you can fix me.
You’ve just met, but he has faith that you can save him from his weaknesses. Gathering sympathy for past problems and using your charity to take advantage of the situation, does work very well for players. Knowing you don’t want to be judgmental, he’ll use your good naturedness to work his way in, and make you feel bad if you pull away “just like his ex-girlfriend/judgmental friend did”. If you see this, emergency evacuation.

Heavily invested in his car.
Big tires, loud speakers, tinted windows, peeling out in the driveway. He is trying to get everyone’s attention. Usually though, only the guys are lusting after that.

Sporting around you.
When you are together, he is more into watching the game, or playing PlayStation to notice you are completely bored out of your mind. Cheering on favorite teams or games here and there are fine of course. But if he’s more interested in entertaining himself than you, there could be some indications you are spending time with a player.

Other things include:
Wears expensive sunglasses in unnecessary situations.
Uses his phone to text during Church.

Why you don’t want a player
They are usually interested in the superficial, which will leave you feeling excited at first and then totally unfulfilled later. Kind of like a roller coaster that ends with you feeling nauseous. They may grow out of this phase eventually, just let them finish it completely before you jump in.

Last night, like every Friday night, I get together with a group of my buddies, just to catch up and have some "man time." Obviously, we are going to spend allot of time talking about women, as we are all single. We have conversations like who's available who's not? etc. I point out that I've had my eye on a woman, who we all know on a casual basis and another one of my buddies laughs and says he had his eye on her too. Then I notice the other guys at the table looking at their feet and not saying anything. Before I get a chance to ask what's going on, they inform me she's taken, kind of. To put it more accurately, the girl is man sharing. Man sharing! An attractive, educated, woman who could find a guy in a second! Yes, in fact she's man sharing a guy I've known for years, who is a first class player. Worse yet, she's been to dinner with his girlfriend! I really shouldn't be surprised though, because it seems the dating scene just keeps going further down hill.

In San Francisco, you have an imbalance of men and women, more women then men and many of them men here are gay. It sounds like it would be easy to find an available woman, but that's only the surface of the situation. It turns out that the guys you would think would be the least desirable, are often actually, the most desirable. I'm talking about slackers, bad boys and players of course. Why do so many women who could shoot for the top, instead go right for the bottom of the barrel?

I encountered an eerily similar situation, just a couple of weeks ago. I had met, through a friend of mine, a very beautiful, quirky, but soft spoken and shy woman. She was Asian and had only been in the states a couple of years, but she's sophisticated and is the kind of woman who pleasantly surprises you when you at least expect it. I was interested in taking things to the next level, so I invited her out for drinks and dinner. Before we can even get started, she says she has a confession to make. She had told all of her friends that she was on vacation by herself, the week before. However, instead of a solitary getaway, she went back to east to vacation with my ex roommate, a notorious, slacker/player. I was aware that she knew him, but she then tells me that she's been in love with him for a long time! Huh? What? That was pretty much the end of my appetite for the night.

My own personal theory on the slacker/bad boy/player phenomenon is, as follows. Even if there is a disparity of men and women, these guys make up for it by monopolizing more than one woman at a time. Thanks to man sharing and "the game" one guy can take three, four or more women off the market at one time. The success of the player/slacker phenomen has inspired "instructional manuals" so regular, nice-guy schmucks can get in on the game. Books like Neil Strauss's, "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" and instructional seminars by guys like David Deangelo, promise to give the everyman insight into the world of the pickup artist.

So, are regular guys now looking at an adapt or die world of dating? Darwinian dating 101? Only the scumbags shall survive? You tell me ladies, because I have no clue at this point.

Lady Killers
By his own admission, Neil Strauss is not your standard-issue pickup artist. An L.A.based journalist - and the co-author of several raunchy celebrity tombs, including Motley Crue’s The Dirt and Jeanna Jameson’s How to Make Love Like a Porn Star Strauss describes himself in grocery-list form: I’m short and I’m bald. I have a big nose, a receding chin and weird indents on the side of my head. But put him in a bar filled with beautiful women, he says, and he transforms into a sort of superhero. A dark horse Casanova. A walking, talking hunk of human catnip.

Strauss wasn’t born with these superpowers. In fact, only two years ago single, miserable and in his early 30’s he had zero confidence with women. I was so unhappy with myself, he says. I used to fear women because they had this power over you to make you feel inadequate. Then one day, he received the phone call that would alter his dating trajectory forever. An editor he knew asked him to take a look at an online guide to seducing women as fodder for a potential book. The next thing he knew, he’d stumbled into the heart of a cover online community of international pickup artists self-styled masters of seduction with names like Mystery and Twotimer who devote all their waking hours to perfecting and teaching the science of scoring.

Strauss embarked on a two-year crash course in advanced womanizing under the tutelage of this ragtag band of gurus, ultimately achieving MPUA (master pickup artist) status in his own right. He chronicles this journey which consumed his life and landed him in field-training workshops in Toronto, Montreal, New York, Belgrade and beyond in explicit and often revolting detail in his controversial new book, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, in stores Sept. 6.

In hindsight, what really blew Strauss away about this community was how organized and sophisticated it is in its methods. These guys are like social scientists, he says. They read a lot of books about the evolution because they want to tap into the primal brain. They field-test their techniques hundreds and thousands of times. They’ve really figured out what you won’t find in a psychology research papers or books.

Early on, still feeling a little embarrassed about the whole thing, Strauss took part in an L.A. workshop offered by one of the group’s luminaries, a six-foot-five Toronto-born illusionist named Mystery, whose Mystery Method involves manipulating social dynamics in order to snag the most beautiful woman in any room. It was like seeing The Matrix, he said of that first experience. Everything was so counterintuitive. I learned that the more unavailable you make yourself, the more people would want you. The more you say, stop touching me or I’m taken, or your just not my type, the more they’d actually chase you.

From Mystery, Strauss learned about ‘Peacocking’ (dressing in flashy clothing and accessories to nap women’s attention). He learned how to disarm AMOG (alpha male of the group), and how to deliver an effective ‘neg’. (This is a backhanded insult used on a beautiful woman to demonstrate your lack of interest and to provoke hers. For example: Wow, you’re, like, the fifth person I’ve seen tonight wearing that exact skirt.) As you’re hearing it, you’re thinking, ‘these things would never work on me,’ says Strauss. But the scary thing is having approached thousands and thousands of people it will work on just about everyone.

It wasn’t long before Style was inventing and refining his own signature techniques. He began attracting disciples, neophytes within the community to whom he would offer counsel, and encouragement. By this time, he had picked-up, or sarged, hundreds of unsuspecting women (I changed their names in the books so they could read it and say, ‘Well maybe that wasn’t me,’ he says). One night he used his skills to out-seduce Heidi Fleiss, the infamous Hollywood madam, who was trying to lure women into working for her at a bar in L.A. And for his piece de resistance, while conducting a magazine interview, he managed to disarm and charm a cranky Britney Spears with rudimentary chick crack (subjects of a spiritual or physiological nature—such as astrology and personality tests—that, he says, appeal to most women.) By the end of their meeting, Spears had asked him for his phone number.

In 2003, emboldened by his success, Strauss was ready to take things to the next level. Along with Mystery and several PUA’s Strauss would open Project Hollywood, a lavish L.A. mansion in which the seduction masters would live and offer workshops to pilgrims from all over the world. Here, they would raise the art of picking up from a pastime to a full-fledged lifestyle. (Soon, there was Project Austin, Project Perth, Project Sydney.) Later, they would watch powerlessly as their sociological experiment collapsed in an implosion of clashing egos and wounded pride. I really felt like it turned into Lord of the Flies or something at the end, says Strauss, who has since moved in with his girlfriend, Lisa, the one woman who seemed invulnerable to his shtick.

The Game, which has already been optioned by Columbia TriStar Films, is in many ways a triumph of misogyny, though Strauss prefers to paint it as an honest, heartfelt examination of male sexual frustration. On the surface, it was about picking up women in a crass way, he says. But beneath it, in order to do that, you have to learn to love yourself if you expect other people to love you. Yes, self-love. And if you believe that, this guy also wants you to know another think: it’s not you, it’s him.

Excerpt from The Game

We piled into the limo and drove to the Standard Lounge, a velvet-rope-guarded hotel hotspot. It was here that Mystery shattered my whole model of reality. Limits I had once imposed on human interaction were extended far beyond what I ever thought possible. The man was a machine.

The Standard was dead when we walked in. We were too early. There were just two groups of people in the room: a couple near the entrance and two couples in the corner. I was ready to leave. But then I saw Mystery approach the people in the corner. They were sitting on opposite couches across a glass table. The men were on one side. One of them was Scott Baio, the actor best known for playing Chachi on Happy Days. Across from him were two women, a brunette and a bleached blonde who looked like she'd stepped out of the pages of Maxim. Her cut-off white t-shirt was suspended so high into the air by fake breasts that the bottom of it just hovered, flapping in the air, above a belly tightened by fastidious exercise. This woman was Baio's date. She was also, I gathered, Mystery's target.

His intentions were clear because he wasn't talking to her. Instead, he had his back turned to her, and was showing something to Scott Baio and his friend, a well-dressed, well-tanned thirty-something who looked as if he smelled strongly of aftershave. I moved in closer.

“Be careful with that,” Baio was saying. “It cost forty thousand dollars.”

Mystery had Baio's watch in his hands. He placed it carefully on the table. “Now watch this,” he commanded. “I tense my stomach muscles, increasing the flow of oxygen to my brain, and . . . “

As Mystery waved his hands over the watch, the second hand stopped ticking. He waited fifteen seconds, then waved his hands again, and slowly the watch sputtered back to life-along with Baio's heart. Mystery's audience of four burst into applause.

“Do something else!” the blonde pleaded.

Mystery brushed her off with a neg. “Wow, she's so demanding,” he said, turning to Baio. “Is she always like this?”

We were witnessing group theory in action. The more Mystery performed for the guys, the more the blonde clamored for attention. And every time, he pushed her away and continued talking with his two new friends.

“I don't usually go out,” Baio was telling Mystery. “I'm over it, and I'm too old.”

After nearly ten minutes, Mystery finally acknowledged the blonde. . He held his arms out. She placed her hands in his, and he began giving her a psychic reading. He was employing a technique I'd heard about called cold reading: the art of telling people truisms about themselves without any prior knowledge of their personality or background. In the field, all knowledge- however esoteric-is power.

With each accurate sentence Mystery spoke, the blonde's jaw dropped further open, until she started asking him about his job and his psychic abilities. Every response Mystery gave was intended to accentuate his youth and enthusiasm for the good life Baio said he had outgrown.

“I feel so old,” Mystery said, baiting her.

“How old are you?” she asked.

“Twenty-seven.”

“That's not old. That's perfect.”

He was in.

Mystery called me over and whispered in my ear. He wanted me to talk to Baio and his friend, to keep them occupied while he hit on the girl. This was my first experience as a wing-a term Mystery had taken from Top Gun, along with words like target and obstacle.

I struggled to make small talk with them. But Baio, looking nervously at Mystery and his date, cut me off. “Tell me this is all an illusion,” he said, “and he's not actually stealing my girlfriend.”

Ten long minutes later, Mystery stood up, put his arm around me, and we left the club. Outside, he pulled a cocktail napkin from his jacket pocket. It contained her phone number. “Did you get a good look at her?” Mystery asked. “That is what I'm in the game for. Everything I've learned in the last decade I used tonight. It's all led up to this moment. And it worked.” He beamed with self-satisfaction. “How's that for a demonstration?”

That was all it took. Stealing a girl right out from under a celebrity's nose-has-been or not-was a feat no other man I'd ever met could have accomplished. Mystery was the real deal.

--

As we took the limo to the Key Club, Mystery told us the first commandment of pickup: the three-second rule. A man has three seconds after spotting a woman to speak to her, he said. If he takes any longer, then not only is the girl likely to think he’s a creep who’s been staring at her for too long, but he will start over thinking the approach, get nervous, and probably blow it.

The moment we walked into the Key Club, Mystery put the three-second rule into action. Striding up to a group of women, he held out his hands and asked, What is your first impression of these? Not the big hands, the black nails.

As the girls gathered around him, Sin pulled me aside and suggested wandering the club and attempting my first approach. A group of women walked by and I tried to say something. But the word hi just barely squeaked out of my throat, not even loud enough for them to hear. As they continued past, I followed and grabbed one of the girls on the shoulder from behind. She turned around, startled, and gave me the withering what-a-creep look that was the whole reason I was too scared to talk to women in the first place.

Never, Sin admonished me in his adenoidal voice, approach a woman from behind. Always come in from the front, but at a slight angle so it’s not too direct and confrontational. You should speak to her over your shoulder, so it looks like you might walk away at any minute. Ever see Robert Redford in The Horse Whisperer? It’s kind of like that.

A few minutes later, I spotted a young, tipsy-looking woman with long, tangled blond curls and a puffy pink vest standing alone. I decided that approaching her would be an easy way to redeem myself. I circled around until I was in the 10 o’clock position in front of her and walked in, imagining myself approaching a horse I didn’t want to frighten.

Oh my God, I said to her. Did you see those two girls fighting outside?
No, she said. What happened?
She was interested. She was talking to me. It was working.
Um, two girls were fighting over this little guy who was half their size. It was pretty brutal. He was just standing there laughing as the police came and arrested the girls.
She giggled. We started talking about the club and the band playing there. She was very friendly and actually seemed grateful for the conversation. I had no idea that approaching a woman could be this easy.

Sin sidled up to me and whispered in my ear, Go kino.
What’s kino? I asked.
Kino? the girl replied.
Sin reached behind me, picked up my arm, and placed it on her shoulder. Kino is when you touch a girl, he whispered. I felt the heat of her body and was reminded of how much I love human contact. Pets like to be petted. It isn’t sexual when a dog or a cat begs for physical affection. People are the same way: we need touch. But we’re so sexually screwed up and obsessed that we get nervous and uncomfortable whenever another person touches us. And, unfortunately, I am no exception. As I spoke to her, my hand felt wrong on her shoulder. It was just resting there like some disembodied limb, and I imagined her wondering what exactly it was doing there and how she could gracefully extricate herself from under it. So I did her the favor of removing it myself.

Isolate her, Sin said.
I suggested sitting down, and we walked to a bench. Sin followed and sat behind us. As I’d been taught, I asked her to tell me the qualities she finds attractive in guys. She said humor and ass.

Fortunately, I have one of those qualities.
Suddenly, I felt Sin’s breath on my ear. Sniff her hair, he was instructing.
I smelled her hair, although I wasn’t exactly sure what the point was. I figured Sin wanted me to neg her. So I said, It smells like smoke.
Noooooo! Sin hissed in my ear. I guess I wasn’t supposed to neg.
She seemed offended. So, to recover, I took another whiff. But underneath that, there’s a very intoxicating smell.
She coked her head to one side, furrowed her brow ever so slightly, scanned me up and down, and said, You’re weird. I was blowing it.
Fortunately, Mystery soon arrived.
This place is dead, he said. We’re going somewhere more target-rich. To Mystery and Sin, these clubs didn’t seem to be reality. They had no problem whispering in students’ ears while there were talking to women, dropping pickup terminology in front of strangers, and even interrupting a student during a set and explaining, in front of his group, what he was doing wrong. They were so confident and their talk was so full of incomprehensible jargon that the women rarely even raised an eyebrow, let alone suspected they were being used to train wannabe ladies’ men.

I bid my new friend good-bye as Sin had taught me, pointing to my cheek and saying, Kiss good-bye. She actually pecked me. I felt very alpha.

I was in high spirits in the limo by the next bar. Do you think I could have kissed her? I asked Mystery.
If you think you could have, then you could have, he said. As soon as you ask yourself whether you should or shouldn’t, that means you should. And what you do is, you phase-shift. Imagine a giant gear thudding down in your head, and then go for it. Start hitting on her. Tell her you just noticed she has beautiful skin, and start massaging her shoulders.
But how do you kiss her? Sweater asked.
I just say, ‘Would you like to kiss me?’
And then what happens?
One of three things, Mystery said. If she says, ‘Yes,’ which is very rare, you kiss her. If she says, ‘Maybe,’ or hesitates, then you say, ‘Lets find out,’ and kiss her. And if she says, ‘No,’ you say, ‘I didn’t say you could. It just looked like you had something on your mind’
You see, he grinned triumphantly. You have nothing to lose. Every contingency is planned for. It’s foolproof. That is they Mystery kiss-close.

I furiously scribbled every word of the kiss-close in my notebook. No one had ever told me how to kiss a girl before. It was just one of those things men were supposed to know on their own, like shaving and car repair.

Sitting in the limo with a notebook on my lap, listening to Mystery talk, I asked myself why I was really there. Taking a course in picking up women wasn’t the kind of thing normal people did. Even more disturbing, I wondered why it was so important to me, why I’d be come so quickly obsessed with the online community and its leading pseudonyms.

Perhaps it was because attracting the opposite sex was the only area in my life in which I felt like a complete failure. Every time I walked down the street or into a bar, I saw my own failure staring me back in the face with red lipstick and black mascara. The combination of desire and paralysis was deadly. Perhaps signing up for Mystery’s workshop had been an intelligent decision. After all, I was doing something proactive about my lameness. Even the wise man dwells in the fool’s paradise.

Excerpted from Maclean's Magazine

WHAT YOU DON'T WANT IN A MATE!

How to spot a player

Sisters, beware! How to spot a 'playa'

Related Results

Bibliography